Advice Column: Help from The Senior Advisors July 2024

”Seniors Moments”  is an advice column where the innocent and the guilty shall remain nameless.  Send your real or imagined, funny or tragic, but always educational problems to the Seniors team, composed of anonymous ICMA Senior Advisors (who shall also remain nameless to protect their reputations ).

Dear Seniors, 

I need some guidance on sharing.  Or oversharing, as the case may be.  My work life is going fine.  Nothing to write home about, but my governing body is stable and we are tooling along.  My home life, however, is a trainwreck.  I am going through what is turning out to be a very acrimonious and public divorce. This is a tightknit community, and everyone knows.  I’ve kept my head down and my mouth shut, but I can feel the looks and know the discussions are happening around me.

My question is this- do I say something to my governing body?  I know they know.  Is it better to state what I want said or just keep quiet and wait out the rumors?  Same with my senior level staff- is it better to give them the sanitized version or just to keep pretending everything is fine? I have worked with these people for years.  On one hand, I really don’t want to talk about it.  On the other hand, I know that everyone is already talking about it, and my silence leaves the rumors, and my soon to be ex, in the driver’s seat.

Sincerely,

Glad my work life works

Dear Glad My Work Life Works,

My  heart goes out to you during this difficult time, especially as you describe your divorce as very acrimonious. There’s some conventional wisdom out there which says that a person should only try to cope with 1 or 2 major life changes or issues at the same time.  (That is, trying to deal with a health issue, a job change, the death of a family member, moving, and a divorce all at the same time is enough to take anyone down.) So, given the turmoil in your personal life, it’s great that you describe your work life as good and stable!

I have been through this situation, though my divorce was not as ugly as you describe. Nevertheless, rumors were flying all around and 99% of it was totally wrong. People often tend to make up stuff to fill in the gaps in what they know. It’s a stressful place to be. You do not need to talk about it at length with anyone; however, it will be to your benefit to share some basic facts with the governing body and your staff.

I can tell you this with 100% certainty:  if your governing body members and your staff like and respect you even remotely, they care about what is happening to you and are worried about you. Being human, they are very likely to also be worried about how your personal situation affects them.  Your governing body may be wondering if you can handle the stress of your personal situation and continue your current job performance. Will you quit and they will be forced to conduct a job search for a new manager.  Your staff is wondering if you will need or want to move away. Are you angry at work, unusually touchy, sad, or short tempered?  Will you quit or get fired? Will their interactions with you change? Will they have to get accustomed to a new manager, because you will leave?   

So, here is my advice. First, discuss your desire to have a conversation about this with your governing body in closed meeting with your jurisdiction’s attorney so that the right FOIA section can be referenced in the closed meeting motion. I strongly believe that it is best if all of your governing body members hear the absolute same thing, which is most assured if it is done with all of them in the room together. If some of them ask questions, they will all hear your answers (which is where things get tricky when you meet with them one at a time).

Then, decide ahead of time what you want to tell them.  Before the meeting, write down a few bullet points that you want to make and cover them. Without just a few prompts, in the stress of that situation (and it will be incredibly stressful and likely somewhat embarrassing), you may forget key points you want to make. Make sure you know before you go into that meeting where the line is between what you need for them to know and what should be private matters between you and your spouse, and draw that line if they are too inquisitive. I would suggest covering the fact that you are separated (assuming you are), that a divorce is in the works, that you know there are a lot of rumors floating around (most of which are false), and what your plans are. They will want to know if you plan to move or quit, and whether you have the ability to continue doing a good job at work. They may want to know if your financial situation is reasonably secure. I would mention that you do not plan to discuss the private details of your relationship with your spouse, but if they have specific questions, you will consider whether it is something you feel comfortable answering. Take the high road. Do NOT badmouth your spouse, no matter what your spouse has said publicly. Remember, you do not need to go into details, nor do you need to address every little rumor that may be out there in your community. Stay calm, positive, and respectful.

Believe me, the members of your governing body will appreciate it. They will respect you for your honesty and for your consideration of their concerns. It will keep them from having to ask you questions to alleviate their concerns, which would likely be embarrassing and very awkward for them. Doing this will help them and it will help you. Offer to meet with any of them individually who would like to do so. If they take you up on the offer to meet individually (my guess is that most if not all will not), remember where your line is and keep firm, and still avoid denigrating your spouse. They do not need to know the details of the reasons why you are divorcing (unless there is some factor that affects the workplace). 

If, for some reason, your attorney advises it can’t be discussed in closed meeting, then set up a one-on-one meeting with each member of your governing body individually and cover the same points. 

Then, do essentially the same thing with your senior staff. They will respect you for your honesty and will help you in ways that you may never know, but will need and appreciate. I do not think it is wise to vent to staff members about the specifics of your situation, although they may overhear conversations and can also gauge your feelings by your demeanor. A simple comment when you arrive in the morning that you are having a rough day and need a little buffer will signal your office staff to give you a hand in filtering interactions where they can. You shouldn’t and won’t need to do this every day, but there are bound to be bumpy patches where some quiet safe space will help you personally and professionally. 

I would advise that you NOT send any of them (governing body or staff) any information or comments about your personal situation in writing or in an email. You have no control over where an email may land.

Divorce can be (and usually is) financially devastating. Seek financial counseling if that is needed.

This may go without saying, but I will say it anyway: make sure you have a good attorney whose prompt and professional handling of issues as they arise will take a huge amount of stress away from you. 

An option you might consider is some form of counseling to give you a safe place to vent. Your locality’s health insurance plan probably offers some services which can help. A local counseling service may provide you some relief from the stress you are no doubt experiencing. You may have a close relationship with another manager, which may be a good place to find support and comfort.

You have not mentioned whether or not you and your spouse have children. If you do, it is my sincere wish for you that you and your spouse can reach a point where your children’s needs and well-being come first. This approach will calm the intensity of the split (which is to your own benefit as well, I might add), as that can only help your children adjust to their new reality.

We Senior Advisors are just that – older! We have all been through difficult life experiences and will be happy to help and support you in any way that we can, confidentially of course. 

Respectfully yours,

The Seniors

The full list of Senior Advisors with contact information is available here.